


Out

by chronicAngel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Acephobia, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Gen, POV Third Person, Siblings, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 10:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20356786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicAngel/pseuds/chronicAngel
Summary: "I'm asexual.""I know that, Kankri."





	Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [promiseimnotjohnkin (doesitsparkjoy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/doesitsparkjoy/gifts).

Kankri has never officially come out to anyone outside of his family. He hasn't even _really_ officially come out to his family so much as telling Karkat that he doesn't really desire sex and relying on the fact that his little brother is 13 and thus way too awkward to tell anyone they know about his older brother's sex life or lack thereof. His friends know of the vow of celibacy that he took at the beginning of their freshman year of highschool while they were all looking for boyfriends and girlfriends, and thus know that he has never had sex and never plans to, but it doesn't really stop the joke.

Latula is half-on their couch and half-on Mituna's lap when she snorts and says, "Man, Kanks, I don't know how you do it."

He swallows and raises a brow at her. "Don't know how I do what...?"

"Y'know, the whole celibacy thing," she answers, and he feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Yes, he supposes he did know. He just sort of hoped she would mean anything else. "Like, I get that it's a spiritual thing for you or whatever, and that you think it brings you closer to God or something like that, but like, I dunno how you handle boners and shit man."

He doesn't know how to explain that, for the most part, he just ignores them, because he doesn't feel the need to interact with it at all, but he instead swallows and redirects awkwardly, "I suppose it's just never been something I was interested in."

"What, sex?" Mituna asks, raising his eyebrows. Kankri's eyes flit nervously between his friend and his 12-year-old sister laying on the floor in front of the couch that they sit on.

"That's not possible," Latula adds before he actually has an opportunity to answer. "C'mon, Kankri, you're 16 years old! You're telling me you've never even looked at somebody and thought that maybe in an alternate universe where you weren't celibate you would hit that?" Just thinking about the idea makes his stomach twist in knots and makes him feel sick. "Dude, I get that it's embarrassing but you don't have to pretend with us is all I'm sayin'," she adds.

By now, Meulin, from her seat on the opposite side of the couch, has apparently noticed that something is wrong with her brother, nudging Kurloz to stop laying on her and signing at him with her newly freed hand. _Are you okay?_

His friends know neither ASL nor Signed English. Well, Kurloz does, as it's his only way of communicating with his own vow of silence (and really, Kankri doesn't know much about that, other than that he'd driven Meulin to the emergency room after the accident in which she lost her hearing two and a half years ago and hasn't said a word aloud since), but Latula and Mituna are clueless. He tries to keep his expression neutral as he signs back, _I'm alright. Just a little nauseous. Could you get me some water?_ She nods and silently stands, holding Kurloz's hand as he trails after her to the kitchen.

"Aw, c'mon dude, talking in secret code with your sister ain't cool," Latula says, pouting, and his eyes snap back to her and Mituna.

"I was just asking her for some water," he murmurs, and he feels guilty even as it wasn't a lie. It feels like a half-truth. Really, the root of his nausea likely doesn't come from thirst, nor even from their comments, no matter how painful to listen to they were, but rather from his own desire to confess his asexuality. To "come out", to use the common term, though it feels somewhat wrong to use that term for himself. It's not like he's in a closet, necessarily. He doesn't even know why this is something that makes him so nervous. Logically, he knows asexual people aren't discriminated against the same way that other LGBTQA+ people are. Still, it feels like something he should be ashamed of, which only makes him feel worse because being LGBTQA+ isn't something one should be ashamed of and he spouts this mentality endlessly.

"Hey, hey, what's the sign language word for celibate?"

"There is no word for celibacy, so you would have to finger spell it," he sighs, lifting his left hand to show them. Slowly, he goes through all of the letters, and then lets his hand fall down to his lap again.

"So, what, do all deaf people just have sex or something? There's no deaf priests or anything?"

"Deaf people, but they fucks," Mituna adds, and Latula lets out a string of giggles.

"I guess it makes sense, though," she says after a moment. "I think a lot of disabled people sort of lose their faith in God, and I can't think of any other reason to be--"

"I need to use the restroom. I'll be back," he snaps, quickly shoving himself to stand and walking away down the hallway. Normally, he would rant for an hour about the inherent ableism in what she just said, point out that it's not as though disability is a punishment from God and that we certainly shouldn't speak for or generalize disabled people, point out that _her own sister_ goes to church with Karkat and their mother every Sunday and she's blind (and sure, maybe it's not necessarily a religion thing for her, but she still _does_ it so it's all beside the point), or point out that plenty of people who aren't celibate still choose not to have sex, but his stomach is too tied up in knots and he feels like his tongue has been glued to the roof of his mouth.

He steps in the bathroom and climbs into the bathtub, closing the shower curtain, pulling his knees up to his chest, and burying his face in them. _What's wrong with me?_ He questions. _Why isn't this hard for me like it would be for anyone else?_ Horrifyingly, for a moment he even questions his own faith. _This is supposed to be a challenge. It's supposed to show that our dedication to God is greater than our desire. That we are dedicated to Him. It shouldn't be so easy. It should feel like I'm doing it for God. It shouldn't feel like I want to do this. Am I being selfish?_

It is this thought which sends the tears pouring down his cheeks, hot and disgusting. He hates himself. He really does. He _knows _that there's nothing wrong with him, that even if he is asexual (there is no _if_, he knows it and he hates it) that is a perfectly acceptable thing to be. Still, he feels broken. He feels like there is something wrong with him. His friends are all right. He's a 16-year-old boy. He should at least _want_ to have sex, should at least _want_ to date, should at least _want_ other people, but he doesn't. He knows as well as the rest of them do that this is unnatural.

His racing thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on the door. "Mew said to bring this to you," Nepeta says, with her peculiar little accent that didn't come from anywhere. Kankri doesn't want his baby sister to know that anything is wrong with him. Doesn't want her to hear the tears in his voice and worry.

He sniffs and wipes at his eyes, and calls through the curtain and the door, "If it's my glass of water, you can just leave it on the coffee table. I'll get it when I get out," and he thinks that he does a decently convincing _I'm totally not crying, you'll never catch me_ voice. At the very least, Nepeta doesn't say anything else, and he assumes that she walks away. He buries his face in his knees again, sniffing to keep the snot from running down his face. _God, human bodies are gross. Why do they have to be like this?_ He thinks, wiping at his nose with the sleeve of his sweater.

He doesn't know how much time passes before the next knock at the door. It could have been an hour or thirty seconds for all he can keep track of. His mind is rushing too fast for him to feel as though his perception of time is accurate. "Hey spaz, how long are you gonna be in there?" Karkat's voice makes him roll his eyes and sniff loudly. "Woah, are you crying in there?"

"Go away, Karkat," he yells, because he doesn't really know what else he can say to make his brother leave other than _Yes, I'm crying_, which he really doesn't want to admit. It feels lesser, somehow. Their parents always raised them encouraging them to embrace their emotions (_especially_ their father), but that hasn't stopped any of them from being emotionally incompetent in their own ways. 

"Come on, couldn't you have at least waited to do this until Dad got home? He's so much better at this stuff," Karkat calls back, and Kankri hears the bathroom door opening. He should have thought to lock it. He wasn't really thinking about it. After a moment, Karkat slides open the curtain and, after only a moment of hesitation, sits in the tub with him.

They sit next to each other in silence for a long minute until finally Karkat elbows him in the side and murmurs, "C'mon, Kankri, what's the matter?" Kankri just shakes his head, smearing his snot and tears across the sleeves of his sweater in the process. "I'm trying to help you, jackass!" He yells in frustration after a moment, and then he takes a deep breath and tries again, "Can you please just talk to me? I don't wanna do this either."

After several more minutes of similar conversation, Kankri finally uncurls a little and slumps his head over onto his brother's shoulder. "I'm asexual."

"I know that, Kankri," Karkat grumbles, glancing over at his brother.

Kankri startles. "What do you mean, you know that?"

"Yeah, it was kind of obvious. Especially since like a week ago when you sort of randomly told me that you didn't think you were interested in sex? Like, dude, do you think I don't have access to the internet or something? I know what asexuality is."

Kankri laughs a little and smooshes his cheek against his brother's shoulder some more. "I didn't think we could talk about this. You're remarkably mature for a 13-year-old boy, Karkat."

"No, I'm not."

"...Alright, that's fair. You're not. But you're a good little brother."

Karkat remains remarkably stiff next to him for a long while and then coughs and says, "Yeah, thanks. You're a pretty okay big brother."

"Don't be a brat," he scolds, and Karkat finally rolls his shoulder to knock his head off of it. He swallows. "Do you think I should tell Mother and Father?"

"Call them Mom and Dad you weirdo," Karkat snorts instead of answering. Kankri turns his head to level him with narrowed eyes and a flat line for a mouth that he hopes indicates _I'm being serious, dweeb_, except he would never call any of his siblings a dweeb, that's more their sisters' territory. He sighs, and begins again, "I dunno. Nepeta isn't interested in dating because she's like twelve and has the social skills of a drowned fucking rat, and we've never known what the fuck was up with Meulin, so we don't know how they feel about this stuff. Based on the hippie 'love yourself, embrace your emotions' bullshit they've raised us with though, I'm sure they wouldn't care."

He's silent for a long moment, trying to soak up this advice (it's hardly advice, actually, but soak up what was just said). "Watch your language," he eventually murmurs after a minute, and Karkat elbows him again.

"Fuck off, I'm trying to help you," he grumbles. "I think they'd be fine with it. They've got three other kids to give them grandkids if that's the sort of thing they even care about. But I doubt they'd even joke about that." He's quiet for a second, like he's lost in thought, and Kankri glances over at his brother. His brows are furrowed together in clear thought and it looks like he's almost in pain trying to spit out whatever he's saying. "We all love you, weirdo. They just want you to be happy."

Kankri hums in thought and considers this for a moment, and then nudges Karkat with his shoulder. "Alright. You've sufficiently made your point. Now get out of my bathtub."

"_Your_ bathtub?" Karkat scoffs, nudging him back. "I have to piss. Why don't _you_ go to your bedroom, angst central?"

After a moment, they both laugh and stand up, climbing out of the bathtub. Kankri slides back to the living room, ultimately, only to find that his friends have left, so he just sits on the couch in silence and sips his water and feels not for the first time like an alien, but at least this time he feels secure in that knowledge. Maybe he's a little weird. Maybe he doesn't want to have sex and maybe he drinks water without anybody asking him to, but his family loves him and wants him to be happy. That's what matters.


End file.
